Oh the places you'll poo

There are many things that a mother never dreams she will say or do to her children or for her children, and I have a really good imagination.  Today I will discuss the crap of which I never, ever imagined I would be . . . taking care.
It was a quiet afternoon and I was talking on the phone to a friend who had moved across the country when I noticed that my young daughter had no diaper and was pooping on the floor, but worse that she immediately picked up the poop and began shoving it into her mouth!!  Oh yes, you read that correctly and it is not an exaggeration.  I yelled her name and quickly ended the call.  She began running down the hall shoving as much as possible into her mouth as she ran. I chased her, saying, "Spit it out!  Yucky!! No no no!!!" When I finally caught her it was gone, down the hatch.  All I could do was follow the trail and clean up the leftovers and scrub the floor.
Fast forward a few weeks and I am again in the front room doing something and my eldest is . . . using the facilities.  The "poo-eater" is quietly playing in the bedroom, or so I thought.  All of a sudden my eldest comes running out, very upset, with her pants and panties at her ankles. "Mommy I was pooping and [poo-eater] came in a started eating my poop!!" she screamed.  I tell her to pull up her pants as I run back to the bathroom.  To which she responds by saying in a rather tense voice, "But I'm not done yet!!"  I find "poo-eater" still playing in the bathroom, but finished eating.  Once again all I could do was clean up the leavings and hope she didn't get sick.
There were one or two other times that this child was faster on the pick and eat than I was on the run and stop, but thankfully she has outgrown her taste for crap.  On the down side she was still curious about the functions of the lower intestinal system.  One day as she was playing outside with a large group of friends, I heard the door open and someone yelled, "Miss Dorina!!!!!  [Poo-eater] is pooping outside in front of everyone!!"  I ran outside flashing back to the last episode of poo-eating and hoping she hadn't suddenly had a relapse.  When I arrived she was, of course, finished.  I immediately sent her inside to properly clean up, and I inspected the damage.  From the several witnesses, I understand that there was something to do with boys being able to pee outside so girls should be able to poop outside and so she was proving her point.  She certainly did that!  There was a nearly perfectly swirled pile on top of a 4x4 board that my husband had set in the yard. I decided to let him deal with that happy little treasure.  I herded the children inside and their mothers promptly took them home.  I dealt with the guilty party and explained that one should never, under any circumstance poop in front of an audience, and especially outside when there is a toilet so readily available.
Thankfully this is the last time I have had to deal with "poo-eater's" crappy adventures.  I have had another child since then and she is nearly as . . . shall we say adventurous.  Though she has thankfully never eaten poo, her crappy habits have given me cause for concern.  She has also realized that many people, particularly daddy, go potty outside.  So she has taken to going potty outside without any notice, or discretion.  We have on SEVERAL occasions been outside in public and she will simply begin pulling down her pants and say, "Me goin' potty."  If I am not right there to very quickly impede this process, she proceed to sit flat on her bottom and either pee or poop right where she sits.  There are three particular instances that are more memorable than the rest so far.
The first was this past summer when I was working outside.  The children were playing, and I did not worry because I could see and hear them.  Then, all of a sudden she ran awkwardly up to me saying, "Mama, mine bumbum 'ucky."  I looked and sure enough there on her backside was what looked like a hand full of gravel ground into poo, all squished to her little derrière.  I asked what happened and she said, quite proudly, "I went potty," but quickly followed with, "Mama it squishin' mine front bumbum."  She had chosen to sit flat on her little bottom and number two on the ground.  Yes this is gross, but I am impressed that she was even able to do it!
Later in the summer we all went to the local airport, which has a large public sand area with dinosaur toys for children, to welcome some family back from a trip.  My brother took a few of the children, including "grounder" over to play.  All of a sudden my eldest comes running up to me and says, "Mommy come quick [grounder] just peed in the sandbox!!"  I ran over and my poor brother was standing in horrified disbelief at what he had just witnessed.  The sand had been mostly removed, for one reason or another (I like to tell myself that someone else's child did something worse than mine in it) so the pee was in one small area. Of course there were other people present, but thankfully they were understanding and even helped.  I took "grounder" out and placed her on a seat and tried to clean things up as best I could with paper towels from the bathroom.  The other man present dumped some water on the area and I wiped that up too, hoping the area would get a proper cleaning before they refilled it with sand.  I wrapped something (I can't remember what now) around her lower half, scolded her for peeing in a sandbox,  and held her until we left.
The most recent episode in this series happened today.  I was with some friends at one of their houses when "grounder" decided she wanted to go outside.  One friend went to help her and shortly called out, "It's poop."  None of us could figure out where she had stepped in it.  "Grounder"knew it was poop on her shoe and really that should have tipped me off, but I wasn't thinking.  There were no dogs in the yard, nor had there been in a long time.  I smelled the poop and something was familiar about it.  It smelled distinctly human and it looked human too.  I immediately thought it was "poo-eater" at it again, but when questioned the children all said, "No."  I walked the yard and could not find out where she had found a pile of poop to step in.  When I came back inside to report my lack of findings, we began to theorize where it could have come from.  My dear friends had already cleaned up the mess inside and I cleaned off the shoe as best I could. Suddenly my someone said, "Was it her?"  I took her in the bathroom and checked.  "Aaacckk!" I screamed.  It WAS her! She had pulled her pants down in the grass, pooped, then stepped in it!!